Every so often I look at the condition of the world and I suspect that the most widespread problem we have is the ever-growing sentiment of anti-intellectualism that infiltrates every aspect of our society. This rampant disease is never so prevalent as it has been with the recent generation of teenagers, and having grown up surrounded neck-deep in the filth of Gen-X, I can safely say my belief is that most, if not all, of the issues faced by humans aged 12-20 stem not only from cultural influences, peer pressure, or a desire to be accepted by their friends; they suffer from an incurable BRAIN DISEASE known as “Teenager-ism”.

Teenagers pride themselves on this disease, reveling in their ignorance and glorifying themselves on their uncommonly high levels of Stupidity. They go beyond what the average person would consider a healthy level of moronic stupor. Now, over the years I’ve upheld a single conviction, steadfast through all the doubters and disbelievers I’d encountered, and until today it’s been purely speculation. This conviction is that being a teenager is an inoperable affliction, treatable only by the passing of time or the arrival of death.

Certainly, I am not the first person to ever hold this hypothesis.

It appears we’ve spent countless lifetimes ignoring the warning signs, failing to prepare for war against a foe with the capacity to end our lives simply by ending their own. No, I don’t mean suicide-bombing Al Qaeda terrorists or Japanese kamikaze pilots; I mean Teenagers, an enemy whose primary goal is the degradation of our society into something hardly discernable from the future seen in the film Idiocracy; a world where the finest literature is found scrawled on the inside walls of bathroom stalls.

According to the nation’s top scientists (as seen on PBS’ Pulitzer Prize winning ‘Inside the Teenage Brain’), the teenage state is nothing more than another stage of child development. While a child is in the womb, he or she undergoes substantial changes of brain development at an incredibly rapid pace. This phenomenon is recreated a bit over a decade later during puberty. During this stage of their life, they display several common symptoms:

1. An inability to comprehend causation or consequences for his or her actions,
2. Unhealthy sleeping habits,
3. A sudden interest in wearing backward hats or cargo shorts, and
4. Loss of ability to formulate coherent thoughts. This symptom is often paired with repetitious usage of the words ‘dude’, ‘bro’, and ‘sweet’.

However, with proper treatment, these symptoms can be avoided. I realize this does not seem possible; it did not seem possible to me, either. But this is the crux of my genius. The secret lies in attacking the virus before it infects the brain, before the frontal cortex succumbs to the Evil Will of the Teenage Years. I call my treatment the ‘Use It or Lose It’ technique. Its magic lies in programming the child while in the early stages of brain development into a set routine, forming a schedule consisting of a daily regiment of brainteasers, math problems, hand-eye coordination tests, and a healthy dose of naptime. If we don’t enforce this type of regiment upon them, the behavior exhibited by teenagers today will continue, placing every person alive in extreme, immediate danger, and this is a problem. It is not a problem in the way that global warming is a problem, nor is it a problem in the way throat cancer is a problem. It is a problem in the way that the fact we may eventually one day go to war against the machines (as portrayed in I, Robot or the Terminator trilogy) is a problem. So long as we set the teenagers onto this strict, linear pathway through life, we can let out our held breath and ease back into our seats, comfortable in the fact that our worries are no longer based on whether or not our future generations are going to screw things up worse than we already have.

The largest hurdle faced by the ‘Use It or Lose It’ technique is encountering a child unwilling to follow orders, a ‘free spirited’ pre-teen whose primary concern in life isn’t the Greater Good, but yo-yo tricks and hair gel. And that, I think, is where a simple brain disease ends and Armageddon begins. It begins the moment that complacency takes over and it becomes unreasonable to be emotionally, mentally, or physically invested in the world that exists beyond the mall doors.

I have no idea where you, my loyal reader, happen to stand on the issue of human cloning, and over the course of this paper I’ve avoided the topic in order to (a) help you understand the dilemma at hand, and to (b) present the least complicated treatment before I unveil the only solution that can assuredly end the infestation of Teenagers upon our precious soil.

Step 1: Exterminate every single living teenager in the world (for maximum efficiency, substitute the word ‘world’ with ‘universe’).
Step 2: Put a stop to female fertility, ending the problem of babies (thus in turn also ending the problem of Teenagers).
Step 3: Clone intelligent, healthy adults, thereby continuing the human race ad infinitum at our evolutionary peak and putting an end to the most dangerous threat in mankind’s history.

Granted, I am not (technically) a doctor, so my understanding of the cloning process is limited to what I’ve read on imascientist.com. But in layman’s terms, in order to clone someone all that you need is a Genetic Replicator, a Willing Test Subject, and a little dash of Imagination.

At some point in the immediate-to-near future, someone will lash together a machine of blood and bone, and fueled by my hatred for you all, this fear engine will bore a hole between this world and the next. Breaking through the wall of silence you will hear the sound of children screaming – as though from a great distance. From my black throne I will open one of my six mouths, and I will sing the song that ends the Earth.

Once in a while, everything in the world changes at once. This is one of those times.

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